Skee-Lo Analytical
I’m sure at one time we’ve all thought about what we would do if we were granted wishes to change or improve the things we don’t like. Skee-Lo, a Mugsy Bogues sized rapper, dedicated an entire song to it. Sure in the past I’ve wished I was a tall baller with mad females to call but the real wishes I have are mostly personality and skills based. These are the things that could make me a better Mr. A:
I wish I was more anal. Sounds strange right, consider the fact that “Analy” is a part of my moniker. Well by more anal I mean I wish I was a neat freak. My boys E tha 5th and Mel are immaculate brothers. Their homes are in order, spic and span, and they know where EVERYTHING is. They don’t even need a card catalog. Me? Well they call me Brother to the Fright. I come through the door like Taz and I leave a path of destruction and squalor behind me. The mrs says that I leave droppings. Who knew Mr. A was more like Mr. P as in Pigeon? Yep, if I had it my way, I’d be military immaculate. I wouldn’t even be able to spell deshoveled. I would be more Unger and less Madison
I wish I was a jerk. Not like Steve Martin but more like Bradley Cooper à la Wedding Crashers. I wrote a post on my blog about the benefits of having an Ego and that is right in line with being a jerk. The larger the ego, the bigger the jerk…and vice versa (there’s a pun in there, trust me). Last night while driving around Philly the mrs and I came across some serious jerks and they were testing me. These mofos were driving like jerks that wanted to have their ass whupped. What frustrated me the most was that I refrained from being a bigger jerk. But as the 2 second old saying goes, “more jerks, more problems.” There are a lot of jerks in prison and I’m not trying to be one of them. Still the most effective jerks never go to jail because they outjerk everyone. The lawyer that is the bigger asshole wins the case. After being in an altercation with a jerk, if you happen to be unfortunate enough to find yourself in court, the party who’s attorney is the bigger jerk will prevail. Everybody hates jerks because they’re bigger and better jerks than we are.
I wish I could be more less analytical. Yep, I’d trade this moniker in a heartbeat to be a more 2+2 instead of 2(4*8xy[9x/13y*5])*34(15y+11). There’s nothing like reading too much into things. I could take a book on the ABC’s written to introduce toddlers to the alphabet and somehow make it into a novel about how All Black Children can’t read. All that extra thinking, that stuff ain’t cute. Especially when at the root of it all I realize that I’m as deep as a thimble. Being overanalytical also makes me very stubborn. I take so much time overthinking something to draw my own conclusions that when an alternative perspective with merit is introduced, I ain’t tryna hear it. I just spent 4 hours overthinking and questioning the logic behind why all the water fountains in a particular building are right next to the bathrooms because they would only make you have to pee again if you drank from it; when it actuality, it’s only there because that’s where the damn plumbing is. After four hours with my brain frying like an 80’s anti-drug commercial, plain and simple (and correct) logic gets no love from me.
I also wish I was a math person. That problem I made up at the top of the previous paragraph, I couldn’t figure that out if Col. Taylor himself tried to tutor me. Math people are great. They don’t even need to be able to speak well as long as they are good at advanced calculus. If they also speak well (which most of them do) all those math skills come in handy when counting all the damn money they make. I recall in my Civ Pro class the professor said that he would put his money on an Engineer graduate to excel over an English graduate in law school, any day. I believe he was onto something. I don’t know anyone who is good in math that does not enjoy successful (and oftentimes lucrative) careers. Of all the skills in the world Afleck & Damon could have bestowed upon Will Hunter when crafting their Oscar winning script, the skill that was by far the most remarkable, and ultimately life changing was math. Now this might seem counterintuitve to being less analytical but math people aren’t over analytical, they are sufficiently analytical. I don’t believe tangents exist in math (to my limited knowledge). 2+2 is 4, and they move on.
Sure if I could wish my way into change I can’t promise I wouldn’t wish to add to my height, subtract from my weight, multiply my money, and divide my time between Brooklyn, San Diego, Western Europe, and the Caribbean. However, while those are wishes, if I get my act together (time’s a wasting) who’s to say those things can’t happen? But it would take a team of Eden, Montgomery, Bombay, Potter, and an animated Williams to make these other things happen. I suppose my first wish would be to find something to make the other wishes come true. Who’s got a map?
